It happened, it finally happened, THANK GOD IT HAPPENED!! IM IN AMERICA NOW!! THANK GOD OHH OMY GOD!!!1!11!1

On September 1st 2021, I traveled to my "home" country of Somaliland (known internationally as Somalia) for a "vacation". Needless to say that it very well wasn't. I can't believe I fell for the whole "just a vacation" trick D: So for the past four years I was living in with my people and with my tribe in my home country it must've been sooo amazing! Well, it wasn't. Not even close. And I'm going to complain and whine about it because nobody else in my life wants to hear my self-pitying story.

So what exactly was so bad living there? Oh god, I don't even know where to start geniunely, there were so many things. Firstly, the smell. Now there's the obvious smell of poop but thats mostly in rural areas with camels and goats. It sucks but its not the worst if you just walk past it. Or if you're able to, (long story short, my family brought a goat into our car and it crapped alot in it.) The real problem was the smell of meat, which only affected me apparently. I don't know how to describe it but it smelled like a corpse and was incredibly pungent, (cooked meat btw,) and the smell would get everywhere. It was incredibly nauseating, but my family didn't care about it that much so they cooked meat all the time. There were a lot of days where I'd just hide out in my room and skip meals, just to avoid the smell. And of course, my family thought it was all in my head, which led to a lot of fights and arguing. It was geniunely stressful and everyday felt like a coin toss as to whether or not I'd be able to leave my room or not.

Next, the overwhelming misogyny. I talked about it in my other blogposts but it was just downright soul crushing. Not being able to take subjects like PE or not being able to go outside during break or just in general being treated as inferior because of your gender messed with my head a lot. Another thing was the overwhelming pressure to "act like a lady". I hate it. I don't think I'll be able to fully escape it until I move out but when I lived in Somaliland it was definitely the worst of it. Going to Somaliland was a way my family tried to control how I think, forcing me into agreeing with everything they thought, like me being my own person with my own opinions didn't matter.

Next, the incredible lonlieness. I don't speak Somali, therefore I can't speak to anyone. It made me feel so painfully alone, like being in a totally seperate world from everyone else. Even though I was surrounded by people of my own race, ethnicity, tribe, it all felt superficial if I couldn't even talk to them. And those who could speak English would just mock me for not speaking Somali, like they're better than me for knowing it, as if they worked hard for it. And at this point, I give up. I do not wish to learn Somali anymore. Every time I've tried I've been mocked and shamed that I just don't want to try anymore. Going to Somaliland made me feel even less connected to my culture because I've realized that I cannot even begin to belong in that country. Clearly they want nothing to do with me, so I don't either. I feel like there's no place for me on this Earth, but America's close enough. It feels amazing being able to open my library card by myself or even say excuse me or ask for the time. It feels like I actually exist in the same plane as everyone else.

Next, the intense FOMO. Because I literally had no life, (going to a gas station would be the highlight of my week,) I lived on the internet. My whole life was on a computer screen, to the point that I literally can only classify periods of time by what fandom I was in at the time. And there was a lot of comparing. I used to watch high school vlogs, theme park vlogs, just people my age going out and having fun, and it felt like I was wasting away. I picked up a lot of things to deal with the overwhelming thoughts of uselessness. Fanfiction, coding, exercise, getting to day 100 on Papa's Donuteria, literally anything. Sometimes I'd just wait for the day to end. Which is a depressing way to live. It got especially bad the final year I was there, since I wasn't in school due to the intense stress and bullying. Sitting at home for a year doing nothing drove me insane and I almost killed myself, if I weren't religious I think it'd be the end of me.

Now I've been living in America for about a month and WOW I feel much much better, genuinely. I feel at peace. With what's going on in America right now, the timing isn't the greatest, but I really couldn't care, I'm so happy to be out of Somaliland! I opened a bank account, I see my family again, I can eat food again without panicking, I take warm showers, I can play on my Xbox 360 again, I'm going to college inshallah, I can eat my ultimate comfort food Honey Nut Cheerios again, there's no bugs to flick of my face when I sleep, I don't argue as much with my family, I feel like a member of society, my home is air conditioned, and I could go on and on. Genuinely, Alhamdulilah. Thank you Allah for making this all possible for me. Also thank you for actually reading this, I'm sorry if this came of whiny or self-pitying, because it kind of is? I really am not the type to complain about my life as I had a lot to be grateful for, (food, shelter, and health are huge priviledges I have,) but I feel justified in saying this because it's all behind me now. It's the past. And now my life is better. See? I'm not complaining about my life, just a different version of it? It just felt like, all my problems in my life were so... unnecessary? Like they were all man made problems. People told me that once I left Somaliland i'd start to miss it, and I thought I'd come to miss my country like a cheesy coming of age movie but nope! I literally never want to go back ever, except maybe to retrieve my Nintendo Switch dock (whoops!) Also the 19 hour flights that totalled to around a thirty hour trip is NOT something I ever want to do again, the human body was not built for this lmaoooo. Also also, I went to Makkah and Madinah for umrah!! Will hopefully blog about that soon.